innerlight8

The Journey to find my soul

Redesign Of The Worthy

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It’s time to re-awaken the goddess within. I am ripping and peeling all of the layers off of my being that have not served me. You can judge me if you’d like, and point out all of my weaknesses and mistakes that i’ve made. But truth is i’m not any of them. I am a being of light with infinite potential and i have an intelligent brain that i wish to use to its advantage. I’ve been playing small for too long, fitting myself in a round hole when i’m a square peg. Not that i’m square, more so a circle. But because of your conventional ways of life we won’t last. We were doomed when we met. Yes we had some fun journeys but i knew from the start that something wasn’t right. I got many red flags but chose to deny them. I knew you were a boy and i was a woman. I knew you were seeking more of a mother and a friend than a true lover. But i’ve diminished myself to fit your needs. I lost my light to help you find depths within yourself. And most of the time it was overlooked, because you were never seeking growth in the first place. You were subconsciously, but every time a challenged arised you dealt with it from a unstable stand point. You didn’t know what holding space was, and didn’t allow me to show you. I suppose i created this relationship out to be more of a project than a companionship. But what else could it be if you were not willing to meet me? And now where are you now? Back with your ex girlfriend in the same place you grew up with the same bros you’ve always had. Are you consciously choosing to evolve for your own self knowledge and growth? Maybe you are, in your own way. But i’m choosing the path that is much more self reflective and challenging, because i’ve placed myself in a place with little to no support. I’m fierce, And angry. I feel i devoted so much into this only to be let down and confused. Constantly remembering our good times, and how things could be different. But they were never meant to work out were they. It was like pulling teeth. And every time you showed me something you were involved in i’d turn it down. Because what i do with the people i love, i challenge them to go further, bigger… I am harsh sometimes yes, but i expect a lot from you if you come into my reality. I’m constantly looking to polish the mirror so to speak. And truth is you were not ready for me. You weren’t strong enough to be my man. Only to be a boy that became inadequate to truly love his woman. So you have failed, not me. You may have turned it all around to regain your power and control back so you can feel better about yourself, but truth is, i left you. A long time ago. I left you when we were still living together. I left you back where i found you, while i went on my own journeys. And although i’m at my weakest of points, now that i know you’re involved with another rebound, i can still rise from where i stand right now. And do something good for myself. Do whatever that will make me feel better in my own skin. Do whatever that will remind me of my worth, my beauty, my confidence. Anything that can remind me of what i once was without you. Because truth is i had my shit together before i met you. I was in my power, and i was making things happen. And you came along and distracted me. So now i know what it feels like to give your power away. Now i know what it feels like to be diminished and degraded, hurt alone and insecure. And how empowering it feels to live for me again, and no one else. Because i’d be doing the same goddamn thing if i were to stick around. We shall see what cards play out… but what it all comes down to is that you couldn’t handle me and my woman-ness. Note to self, seek out inspiration from men that will appreciate and embrace all of you.

Sacred Union

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“Real love is the One celebrating itself as two” ~Ram Dass

Us women give so much of ourselves away, very often. In relationships we tend to attract either wounded men, or those we feel need “help.” Getting lost in this illusion only ends up destroying both of us in the end. We as women have beautiful visions, achieve to have an open heart, and very often see the potential in these men we want to “fix.” It only takes one sudden moment where two pairs of eyes lock on each other and they know they’re meant to experience the journey together. Deep, wonderful, beautiful growths that will forever shape their lives. Perhaps this is why we must always look out for ourselves first, because although it may be love that we feel, we don’t know if this is logic or just pure emotion. If we live in this fairytale all the time, we may break hearts or become broken, for if something was never true in the first place, it’ll eventually catch up. Lessons will repeat themselves until they are learned, and depending on the true alignment of one’s purpose there may be a lot of “trying” to make things work stemming from a forceful nature. Love should be of pure flow and openness, where there is little effort required. If two people are meant to create and grow, it should be a gradual upscale experience, not a degrading one. Souls who are meant to learn from each other, do. Where there is never a dull moment, and there are obvious signs of growth and transformation. Say a young woman is beautiful, confident, bright, full of wonder and joy…she see’s the world as beautiful and abundant, mysterious, and sacred. She is more than content being in her skin, explores the world, explores other’s lives and how they live them. She doesn’t seek to be in a relationship until a special being comes along, with symbols leading her in the direction to pursue it. Spontaneously she meets someone, and they feel that they’ve met before. Many months later they have been on many adventures, continuously learning about each other along the way. Feeling the divine feminine and masculine balance. Thriving. Things get more serious and they move in together, in a whole new state. Working, playing, working, playing. The dynamics start changing. There are things this woman cannot bring this man. There are things this man cannot bring this woman. She continues to be upmost dissatisfied with herself, her choice of pursuing this relationship… She has grown in these months. She has become more wise, learning more about herself, she feels the calling growing ever stronger to branch out into the world again. She reflects back knowing all of the experiences she had, when she had no ties to anyone else. She must break free again, it is inevitable. For she is a wild woman. A woman of high standards. A woman that is strong enough to say and express anything she is feeling at any moment. A woman of needs and desires that if they are not met, there is no sense in sticking around and wasting away precious energy and time. For what’s “out there” is her calling… An unknown depth that is waiting to be explored.

Many men do not understand wild women. They wonder, where am i in this picture? Many men rather us play small. Possibly adapt to their level, which may be lower than ours initially. This is when it can get dangerous. A women sacrificing her own true happiness to resonate with someone else’s energy enough times is bound for destruction. In a circumstance like this, the woman lives in lies. She’s become to stuck to get out of the relationship having become co-dependent over the years, yet this calling only grows stronger inside of her. One she cannot deny or ignore. The two temporarily fix things throughout, yet the problems continue to arise. There’s anger. A lot of it. For she hears so many voices inside of her pulling her in two different directions. The man is not happy either because he cannot figure out how to fulfill his woman. Perhaps she is too complex for him, and he just wants simplicity. Situations show that he cannot make a wild woman happy. His presence alone has made her disgusted with herself. She has known for so long what she needs to do, yet hasn’t acted on it. Everything continues to drag on, pain digging deeper. She realizes if she isn’t happy in this relationship she has no intention to feel her power, her beauty, her divine grace. She no longer cares to give this to the man, for she already knows he is not the one that deserves to receive it. What she holds inside her is special, sacred. And she would not love herself if she mindlessly gave it away to anyone and everyone. Boundaries are needed where there’s potential for takers to take and take, with you never getting anything in return. In a man’s eyes he may be doing all that he knows how, but it takes a special man to want to know everything about this woman inside and out – where it is part his responsibility to guide her into her awakening and rise of the feminine. This sort of man should be fully emotionally supportive and nurturing. One that holds space for her amongst these roller coasters of emotion. This sort of man never disrespects her and especially does not call her names. He has a lot of love, and more to give and to share. He uplifts and motivates. He is communicative with needs and desires. He has an open heart, versus a steel heart – defending everything around him. Those days are over, and the goddess is rising. It makes all the sense in the world for woman to stand up for what they believe is right, and no longer let men dictate how our lives should go.

One who is on the path will come up against many obstacles, but that is the point. We may open ourselves, then resist, then open, then resist… That is part of the journey, and we are testing ourselves all of the time with what we are capable of. We may open ourselves so wide until we come up to a fear, and we have the chance to either look it straight in the face or retract and go back inward, avoiding that uncomfortable feeling that in truth will bring us higher if we overcome it.

This story is my own. A story of a wild young women that has witnessed a home within herself. She had only touched it for a moment though, and challenges rose. Perhaps this is when she decided to no longer trust in God; trust in herself. She became uncentered and unaware. Being a victim to the ego game like everyone else, all over again. After touching her soul, she has also become more conscious. The journey continues on, to awaken the soul, despite any discourage. As she breaks free from all ties once again, he begins to trust in herself, to trust in God. For a relationship with the Beloved, will always be the ultimate goal.

Returning Home

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Let go of all you’ve ever known

And follow me into that deep and dark place

Where all you’ve ever sewn

Will fade away, a place you become known

A truth that must be shown

A face to face grown

Diving into the unknown

We are returning home

A pain that i’ve always known

A place I’ve never felt alone

A frequency, a special tone

We are returning home

A love, it’ll make you moan

A love, you’ll be in the zone

Of infinite effortless timelessness

We are returning home

So come join me under this tree

Dance out loud and i’ll set you free

For all that has come to be

Is the living essence of purity

The Path Of Resentment

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My life isn’t turning out the way I thought it would. I used to act from such a place of abundance, magnificence…pondering life’s mysteries. But that mindset has faded. I have come up against many things that have stopped me along my path. At least it feels as though they have. My vibration isn’t nearly as high. And I listen to “dubs” that make me want to escape into this dense and dark energy, that isn’t me. It may expand parts of me; places i haven’t gone before, but they’re in no way inspirational and liberating. A relationship i’ve been in for over a year still has its moments, but i’m afraid it has become way too comfortable. For I don’t even want to think of the thoughts of separation. I feel mad at myself, for making decisions that are no longer in alignment. We as partners must have had things to teach each other back then, when everything was new and exciting, but now there is a thin line between actual love, and comfort. I don’t feel empowered like I used to. I don’t feel i am a thriving woman expressing all parts of her goddess self. I don’t feel motivated in my creativity. And all i want is to watch movies and be expressionless, awaiting his arrival. I am sometimes very impatient with my dog in the morning; him waking with such energy and excitement, and mine quite the opposite. I rather just stay in bed for another hour. What happens, is that the one you love, is the only one you care about. All problems you once had, may still be there, but are distracted with theirs. It’s no longer as easy to tend to your needs and desires, because all of your attention goes to the outside, to them. Is it possible for us to transcend all negatives, all struggles, all confusions,  into something amazing and alive? Or is this a dead end? How is it that he seems satisfied (for the most part) and content, while i’m silently weeping, looking out for some guidance. Perhaps it is because i’ve tasted this magnificence within myself before, and truly it was before we had met. I still carried that light for some time, when we met. But i’m afraid it has faded as we’ve furthered our relationship as a couple. Many things that would make me empowered were always on my own, throughout my daily life picking up the signs of the Divine, but when all of my attention goes to the other, i no longer am in tune with my own higher guidance. This light is something he briefly saw in me the moment we met, but turned into only but the stories i’ve told, and now that he doesn’t even want to hear, for he sees it as a comparison. But each soul seeks that fire. It is a thirsty hunger we have, for that love, that truth, that purpose. And when we no longer see it in ourselves, no one does. And that’s one of the saddest things to go through. I am grateful to experience these things at such a young age, but going basically backwards in such a short amount of time has been a mind trip. If i could break down the feelings i feel, in this moment, linked to my physical actions and current reality, I would gain some more reasoning and clarity…

When I think of parties or festivals, i don’t get excited, more so scared, intimidated, nervous, anxious; this stems from low self confidence, weakness, sorrow, and judgement. Instead of letting go and leaping into the unknown, i let myself get weary and exhausted, not finding any interest in something that would naturally be flavorful. These feelings of lack, stem from lack of LOVE! lack of support from others. If i didn’t feel that i was lacking in this, I wouldn’t feel so alone and lost, but be taken care of. Which means, i am not receiving the nurturing i would want from a loved one. Which means… perhaps he is not emotionally aware enough to understand that this is what i need! AHA moment!

Secondly, feeling stuck. Which is a concept i no longer even want to talk about for i feel i’ve been in this state for way too long… deja vu… haha But it is part of the path that i signed up for, and it’s gotta mean something right? Being stuck in a relationship is very common, for you see each other every day, sleep in the same bed, have basically the same overall routine, and do it all over again the next day. Being stuck for me personally, has stemmed from not living in my power fully, which cuts off connection to Divine – synchronistic relations, flow, creativity, expression, etc. If i’m already dealing with this inside my body, it has no choice but to be expressed in my love life. But is my partner supportive in this blockage i have created? No…more so he mirrors what i am in each moment, but how can we grow in a relationship if all we only do is mirror each other? One thing i haven’t quite figured out yet… for relationships should give each other what one forgets they have… I would think. I suppose mirroring is very helpful for ones spiritual self, but not forever. If people are devoted to each other in a relationship, it is more than just mirroring. Sooner or later, one or the other must break through some barriers and tell it how it is, straight forward, with some emotion! Emotion can be good, sometimes. And i would think, if one cares enough about themselves and their path and way of life, they would naturally get tired of the other’s attitude and ways, and with ultimate love and compassion, bring them out of their shell! Wake them up to smell the roses! Sometimes it takes more of a gentle push, a remembrance. If they are clearly not okay, that’s why we have each other as teachers, right? Perhaps he doesn’t know how… which leads me to not emotionally supportive, again.

Being angry with myself, is the third. I’ve had a pretty good experience with decision making. Clearly seeing how one decision leading to the next and the next, which leads to other things more in depth and serious. Pretty soon you’re on the ground looking up at the sky, asking Why Me God? – Well You’ve chosen this Dear One! Eventually, after dragging things on for a bit too long that are no longer serving you, creates anger. Because you keep repeating the goddamn same pattern, yet haven’t figured out how to get out of it – safely!! Of course you could just cut the ties just like that, and move on with your life, let go, etc… sounds all good and easy, but it’s not when you’ve devoted yourself to this man, this life you have made for yourself together. And his friends? I don’t get them. Perhaps i’m making too many assumptions and judgements, but they’re boys, in my opinion. And some what “low lifes” – yes i’m going to say that, because this is out of my own anger and judgment of myself that i’ve created. Simply because i’ve chosen a situation that does not serve me – one that is less than me – one that is not in true alignment with my path – one that is slowing me down, or detouring me. Something is not quite right, and that is why i feel resentment towards these people. It’s not a good feeling, and i feel pretty shitty myself to even think these things, but they are in fact the truth. I send love to them always, but the anger that i feel i want to solve. And i think the only true way i could do that, is to do what is right for me. Even if that means having to separate with my partner. So that i can become a thriving woman again, independent, confident, and true with what she wants in the world – clear on how she makes an impact – one that will never let someone slow her down…

Interesting, awwww… but powerful, and exciting. For woman especially with our emotion, we create realities that we’re not whole in, on purpose! So that we can awaken – (re awaken) more parts of our magnificence, to be of service to this world, to ourselves! Our existence is truly a miracle, and feeling victimized in our lives is not healthy and rather silly! We should all be tuned in to our higher selves, our truths! Remember more of who we are, and why we are here! Our presence alone, should shake our earth! Yet we let the dense energies drag us down, slowly… and then we very much have the tendency to forget how beautiful we are, slowly… but it must be part of the journey… mine at least. And i embrace every moment of it!

Puzzling Pieces

There are times when I feel I am shattering… I feel broken, weak, confused: why would I put myself in such situations where I am living my very own nightmare? I am a victim of my own reality. Every thought leads to negativity. Every word someone says I only but judge them. I can be in my flow, my power, until in not so long it fades and I am again lost. My mind racing, I cannot slow down. Yet there are no words that come out of my mouth. Only an unsettled ness. and it drowns me. It is not my house that is the problem, living with ten roommates and a landlord that’s living off of our rent money. It’s not my dear partner, who sometimes talks too much yet seems to say so little. Its not his friends that still act like boys in high school. And it’s not the state I’m living in where people have too much money and no time to slow down and look around them. It’s myself. I am creating all of this. And it hurts to know that I hurt those around me. But I cannot hide from it, and those whom understand take me in, embracing all parts of what need healing. Because we are not meant to do this alone. All is a calling for love. And when I began to no longer trust my actions and decisions, or those I interact with, it is time to explore what is this continuous void, that in time is creating a black hole, and how can I get out of it. These are the times I need myself most. And these are the times I must be completely honest with myself. Even when it’s ugly. image

Ever So Fading Light

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A faint glimpse of what I once knew, a memory, a yearning, and longing. A truth I held ever so dear, dissipates into the empty endless space that once was at my fingertips. A love so deep, so strong I have forgotten. Wondering what has lead me here, experience after experience of perhaps doing the “wrong” thing. Perhaps testing myself. To what limit will I take this? What happens if I go against my core values? My rebellious actions leave me here; far away from my truth. No longer aligned with my soul’s purpose. People will tell you, you must learn and go throughout life experiencing different perspectives and things. I do believe so. But I also believe once you have found something so magnificent, an energy, a vision…that you carry within yourself, you want to do everything to keep that close where no one or nothing can touch it. But life will throw you obstacles, and we must love every moment of it. There is a balance between two souls. We must give and receive simultaneously. But there is no fear of spreading ourselves thin, for we are limitless beings. And the ones that have so much love to give, no thought of “lack” crosses their mind. No insecurities of giving away “too much.” When we understand the universal way of things, all is flowing, and all is ever-changing. There is nothing to hold on to, therefore there is no attachment, no true care of the world. Only bliss. Only light. And we are the way showers for others. Yes there is always a darkness, but even that dark is light. For all of creation is in fact our very own creation. But when understanding the difference between dark and light, we don’t put forth much energy into the dark, because we know it does not serve us. We have learned that very well, in this lifetime and many others. Unision is love. And love is light. I notice these changes of perceptions i go through, living and learning through others way of lives, just for the pure interest. I know I may not be of them, and that is where i must learn not to attach myself too much to their way of thinking. Because i have my own. When i steer off my path, it is when i am unfocused, and disconnected from spirit. I can feel it in my every day motions. When things stop manifesting before my very eyes, when things start slowing down, i know something needs to be looked at. Diving deep into my core, addressing the “issues,” moving forward to receive and grow more than I ever have before. I am a dreamer, and I love every human being on this planet. And for me to get entangled in some other direction i know is not particularly my truth, is just silly. I must stand strong on my path, as my own soul on this journey, with my own ideas. Being conscious will bring challenges and will require me to let go and keep letting go, as well as distracting me and even
challenging LOVE. But nothing shall ever stand in my way of that.

Realizations

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There are aha moments in life, where spirit smacks you in the face and says “wake up!” And you overlook your reality and the experiences in the past accumulating, manifesting into here and now. Going into the deep end of emotion you can lose your path, beginning to believe in different perceptions and realities, not all that are real. The ego, wanting to control your every move to stay strong. When what we should do is laugh at it, understanding its nature, but not giving it any little bit of energy. Until one day it dissipates entirely. With the ego running our lives, we create identities and feed off of them. It makes us feel important and unique. But with this thinking and strong desirable mindset, we become forgetful of our true nature. For we keep taking and wanting, expecting an outcome that will bring us to a better place than where we are now, but it only leads to disappointment eventually. For we were acting from unreal standpoints, we are bound to in the end, feel unfulfilled and dissatisfied. Ego has brought much damage to humanity, and it is all based off of ignorance. We begin to run in circles, creating these patterns that are ridiculous, because they are not pure. They are not of the essence. For the essence and purity of our souls Is the divine. And the divine does not seek outside of itself, for it already is what it is where all that is left is “being-ness.” There is no lack, no separation, no desire. Now this is when my knowledge kicks in, knowing I am part of Thee One, I ask spirit, and my higher guidance, to show me things. To lift the veils, so that I can consciously create my reality once again. There are so many cultures and generations that have brought on the concept of a higher god, and not in the way as a leader, but a source we can tap into from our hearts that feels familiar. And doing this I automatically feel more truth in my present moment. For it is me seeking my own soul, remembering that I chose to forget in this world of duality. With this knowingness, I can relax, and settle into my body, my life. I can face situations clearly, without avoidance of any kind. And I can start to work my magic flowingly, knowing that this life IS full of miracles, and the power of thought proves it to be so. What a gift we have been given, to awaken to such. The more I stand strong in my truth, the more the universe responds. Regardless of what struggles I’ve encountered, which has lead me to disempowerment, I can still at each moment re-remind myself what I hold so true, and literally re-create who I express to be in this lifetime. Doing what serves my highest good. Becoming one, soul meets body. Letting go effortlessly as I am being reborn time and time after again. Amen, aho…we shall never stumble, but dance along this path ~*~

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